Figuratively
by moeten
Summary: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
1. Barney

_just something dumb i banged out while joking around! they do say the longer you know someone, the more their habits start to rub off…_

* * *

"No, Ted, no!" Barney cries, as Ted takes a chair from a nearby table and pulls it to the booth. His dismay is obvious, and just as obviously directed at Ted's new jacket. Teal and plaid, it looked like someone had taken a pastel version of one of Ted's shirts, stuck some elbow pads on it, and cut it into a blazer. It was instantly obvious why Ted liked it and Barney looked like he was going to hurl at the sight of it. "What is that train wreck of a — _garment_? It doesn't deserve to be called a jacket," he explains. (No one was wondering.)

"It's new," Ted says, snapping the lapels proudly. "I thought I'd bust it out tonight, take it for a _spin_ , before I took it down to the ol' lectern Monday."

"It's amazing," says Marshall.

"Ooh, nice colour," says Lily.

"Hey, Angry Birds finally downloaded onto my phone!" says Robin.

"TRAITORS," says Barney. He stands up from the booth to point dramatically at Ted. "That is not AMAZING. That is not DECENT. That is not CLOTHING. What it is is an outrage on society as a whole, on the tastes and eyesight of all in the great city Ted Mosby has until now resided in, taking advantage of those of us who have been so kind as to _let_ him live here these untold years, even DESPITE his hair and inability to wear anything properly fitted. Why, in 1834 —"

"Okay, buddy, hang on," says Lily. "At least let us order our drinks before you unleash the fury."

Barney politely does so, sitting back down and quivering with rage until everyone has a drink before them. He takes a gulp of scotch and slams it down onto the table. Tilts his neck. Rolls his jaw. Shifts his shoulders.

And it begins. Historical anecdotes, citations from print and digital media, a slideshow of Ted's poor fashion choices over the years, things the gang has said out of Ted's earshot, plenty of self-praise and admiration for his own impeccable looks and tastes, a fist shaking lament to the skies that Ted did not, WOULD not allow Barney to buy and pick his clothes out for him, promises of wingmanship if he were to, statistics proving that Ted would be laid 83% more often if he took off this teal monstrosity, quotes from Ted's students that Barney swears he is not making up on the spot, an actual legitimately inspiring quote from Tim Gunn on speakerphone: It goes on and on, a relentless, desperate plea to Ted, the universe, God, ANYONE who may be listening.

"I can go on!" Barney exclaims, still going strong twenty minutes later: "Nay! I _shall_ go on! I've barely scratched the surface of this monstrosity that is the fact that if Theodore Elizabeth Mosby literally could not be —" The rest of the gang, having all tuned him out twenty, eighteen, fifteen, and twelve minutes ago (Marshall is actually the one who hung on the longest), all turn to look at him. Were they wolves about to devour a helpless woodland bunny, their ears would be perked up, their mouths dripping. Except for Robin, who continues to play Angry Birds. "That - THAT," Barney continues, at a rare loss for words, realising his mistake but unable to correct it. "That, if Ted, TED, was any more uncool, because HE'S the lame one here, he would be, uh, well, he'd be LITERALLY — Dammit!"

He runs. It's the only recourse he has.

"Pshyeah, high score!" Robin says, holding up her phone in triumph.


	2. Marshall

_so i should be writing horrible sad drama, or, OR: i can make this into a surprise series!_

* * *

The next afternoon, Marshall is reading a brief and Lily is decorating a jam jar when Barney slides into the booth with a beer. "Guys, I have a VD," he announces heavily, his tie rakishly askew in his distress.

"Yeah, we knew that one," Lily deadpans, not bothering to look up.

"Aww, hey, buddy," says Marshall kindly, maintaining sympathetic eye contact, "for someone like you? Just one isn't bad at all. Personally, I figured you'd have gotten the whole bingo card by now."

" _No_ ," Barney says, disgusted. "Guys, I have a Vocabulary Disease."

"If that's how you wanna play it," says Lily.

"And I caught it from Robin!" he continues, slapping his palm against the tabletop. "It's always Robin! Feelings, that stomach bug we all got last month, a cold last January, a taste for weird un-American french fry toppings… and now I can't even talk English right no more!" His voice goes high; chokes up. "You bang a girl two hundred and ninety three times over a year ago and you think that's all, you'll never see her again, but then you wake up _sick_!"

"Is this about last night?" Marshall asks; Barney interjects with: "This is about last night!"

Barney continues: "You may not have noticed, but I," he clears his throat delicately, "may have used literally in the incorrect fashion, yesterday eve."

"Yeah, we saw you running scared," Lily says. She sets down her glitter pen and places the jam jar triumphantly in the centre of the table for all to admire. "It gave me an idea!"

The jar is adorably decorated with glitter and bubble letters and reads: _A LITERAL JAR_.

"Aw, it's perfect!" Marshall coos.

"Thank you, baby!"

They snuggle.

Barney takes a drink of his beer. "What is it?"

"Think of it like a swear jar," Lily says, shimmying proudly. "Any time any of us say 'literally' incorrectly, you put in ten bucks. I say 'any of us,' but I mean 'you and Robin.'"

"Ten _dollars_? _American_ dollars?" Barney leans back, offended-slash-horrified.

"Hey, drinks are expensive!" says Lily. "Don't pretend that you can't afford it, Mr. 'three thousand dollar suit.'"

"Aw, you noticed!" He adjusts his tie, puffs up. "It's new. Dolce & Gabbana."

"And Robin never buys a round, so I figure bitch owes me a beer," Lily finishes cheerfully.

"That's fair," says Marshall.

"That's Robin for you," Barney says. "All take and no give." Beat. "Although there was _one_ thing she used to give, back in the — _oww! Lily_! You kicked me!"

"Have you ever considered," Marshall asks, leaning across the booth, "that you keep catching things from Robin because you spend literally all your free time with her?" Barney stares at him uncomprehendingly.

"Ten bucks, babe," says Lily, shaking the empty jar.


	3. Robin

_i've never actually written the whole gang together before… which is probably why this chapter is wordy._

* * *

"Right," Ted says. "That's stupid." It's a little while later. Ted and Robin have arrived at McClaren's, and the literal jar is still the centrepiece of their booth. Lily and Marshall have just finished recapping the purpose of the literal jar, vis-à-vis Barney's complaints about Robin being contagious.

"I don't know," Robin says. Barney has wandered off to hit on his usual type of girl; she spots him at the bar and looks back at the table. "He has a point. It's not just Barney. You guys have picked up some stuff from me too. Marshall's totally into hockey now, and Lily, you were _all_ over him after we came back from the Bruin's game with black eyes. And you all totally copied me and got the flu after I did." She leans forward and raises her eyebrows. "You're welcome."

"For the last time, Robin, that stomach bug last month wasn't a 'bonding experience for the gang!'" Marshall says.

"Hang on," says Lily, pointing. "You didn't have one for Ted."

"Because I am an individual, not a mindless drone relying on the masses for direction," says Ted smugly-slash-happily, tapping his fingertips on the surface of the table.

"You've been copying me and Lily for years," Marshall says.

"Huh, then maybe he's just allergic to cool," Robin muses, taking a drink of her beer.

"Ted? Definitely," says Barney, reappearing out of nowhere and pulling a chair to the booth. "It's taken years and all my wiles to keep him from falling to ruin."

"I'm not sure your so-called 'wiles' really _helped_ ," Lily says, taking a drink.

"Okay, ha ha," Ted says dryly. "Back to the point. People aren't contagious. Stomach bugs are contagious," he looks pointedly at Robin, "and Barney's VDs are contagious," (" _vocabulary disorder_ ," Barney interrupts loudly), "but personality quirks and misuse of grammar? Not contagious."

"Actually," Marshall says, "I read this interesting magazine article a while ago. When you're close to someone, you naturally start picking up on their speech patterns and dialect. It's a social creature thing; humans have an instinct to try and fit into a group."

"So, Barney copying Robin's speech patterns is some sign that he has empathy for other human beings?" Lily asks skeptically.

Everyone has an uncomfortable realisation except for Barney, who is checking out a blonde at the bar, and except for Robin, who tilts her head and patiently explains, "No, it's because I'm cool. Hockey, fighting, the flu…" she shrugs modestly. "I'm just really imitable."

"Speech patterns are different from interests, and _giving us the flu is not an interest_. It's normal to pick up hobbies and likes and dislikes by spending time with your friends," Ted argues. "Marshall and I have the same tastes in movie and TV. Marshall and _Lily_ are basically the same person at this point."

"True," Lily says. "And Marshall's right, you copy us _shamelessly_."

"Name _one thing_ ," Ted starts —

"I can name twenty!" Lily straightens herself up. "One: I heard you singing to yourself while you were making a sandwich the other night."

"Two: You have an Indigo Girls CD," Marshall adds.

"Three: You took Zoey to the restaurant Marshall and I went to on our anniversary."

"Smorgas Chef has always been one of my favourite restaurants," Ted says with a scoff, rolling his eyes. "Scandinavian fare has always —"

"You _hate_ lutefisk!" Lily raises her voice. "The only reason you went is because Marshall said he loved it and you wanted to impress Zoey with something 'unusual,' and now it's 'one of your favourites!' If that's not copying other people's tastes, I don't know what is."

"Eight is enough," Barney says dreamily.

"That wasn't eight," Robin says, confused.

"Eighties sitcom starring Dick van Patten," Marshall clarifies.

" _Okay_ ," Ted says, "But need I point out, it goes both ways! You all copy me, too! Lily, you borrowed my Airborne Toxic Event CD. Marshall, you love the Globetrotters and we watch all the same shows! And Robin and I…" Ted trails off. "Huh."

Everyone looks expectantly at Ted and then at Robin, except for Barney, who says, "Gimmie a break."

"Starring Nell Carter," Marshall says in an undertone.

"No, Ted's right," Robin says awkwardly, waving her hand. "There's a lot of stuff I've started to like because of him. Like, um… Like…"

"Come on, we dated, there must be something," Ted says, wracking his brain.

"Ooh, I know! I saw you reading _Guns and Ammo_ one time," Robin says eagerly. "Admit it, it grows on you."

"I hated every page," Ted admits. "We used to watch _Lost_ together!"

"Yeah, that was lame, I only watched it because you did."

They keep brainstorming. Ted comes up looking triumphant. "Hey, we both love dogs!"

Everyone winces loudly. Including Ted.

"I've got it," Barney says, paying attention again. "You both share a deep, all-encompassing, overwhelming love… of me."

"Nope," says Ted, taking a drink.

"No, that's not it," says Robin vaguely. "Wow, this is really depressing though. I literally can't think of anything."

"Ten dollars!" Lily says, snapping her fingers. "Ten US dollars! Lay 'em on me!"

"Actually, that was the correct use," Ted says, interrupting Robin's glower. "A _depressing_ use, but correct."

"Dammit," says Lily, settling back down.

"It's also obviously not contagious," Ted can't resist adding.

"Just like your and Robin's interests," Lily adds. Four of the five people at the booth snort into their drinks.

Barney taps his fingers on the tabletop, his expression thoughtful. "So Robin's said it because English is her second language," ("Canada speaks English," she points out.) "and Marshall and I have said it because Robin is contagious _as_ _I've been saying all along._ " His voice lowers dramatically. "That just leaves Lily and Ted."

"You wish," Lily says.

"Come on," Ted says. "If you guys think _I_ would ever misuse the English language like that," he laughs, "you have another thing coming."

"Hey, it'd give us something in common," Robin says, grinning at him.

Ted wavers, but: "No. Nope, not going to happen. There is no way I would ever make such an elementary mistake." Even if it's to share something with Robin. Maybe they can just give _Lost_ another shot.

"Wait for it…" Marshall mutters into his drink. Lily laughs under her breath.

Barney shoots upright, almost knocking his chair over in the process. "Challenge accepted!"


End file.
